HOW TO BREAK THROUGH WHEN WE BREAK DOWN
We may feel that “falling apart” and having emotional breakdowns are signs of weakness or that something is wrong with us because we “can’t hold it together.”
I know I feel that way.
In my younger years, I thought that expressing strong emotions, such as fear, sadness, and anger, was indicative of weakness. If I cried in the gym growing up, it definitely wasn’t a good thing. Expressing fear always felt like something was lacking in me for feeling it. Anger was not openly discussed, nor did I feel comfortable experiencing it.
As I have traversed the path of mindfulness, spirituality, and healing, A LOT of emotions have surfaced, some pleasant and others deeply painful. It’s still hard to feel some of them without a ton of judgment and guilt arising, but my practice of self-awareness and compassion is slowly allowing those emotions to be felt with a softer place to land.
As we open up more fully to all of our emotions, sometimes they can come on so strong that we feel like we’re just falling apart as this backdraft of pent-up emotion comes pouring out. It can feel scary, embarrassing, uncertain, confusing, and overwhelming…AND, there is immense potential for a breakthrough within this so-called “breakdown.”
The trigger to my breakdown…
As many of you know, I have been struggling with complex, chronic illness for over a decade. My healing journey, as I call it, has led me into a framework of medicine known as functional medicine. I was motivated to take this path because, one, I wasn’t getting answers as a patient within our conventional medical model. Secondly, I realized how limited my initial knowledge base was. And third, I felt called to take a much more holistic approach that involved body, mind, and spirit.
I began my training in functional medicine with Chris Kresser’s Kresser Institute and became an ADAPT-trained practitioner in 2020. I then pursued a more in-depth certification through the Institute for Functional Medicine. Despite not feeling fully well myself, in 2022, I took the first of seven modules to attempt the very rigorous certification exam. My goal with the certification was, and still is, to continue learning tools to heal myself, while also developing my capacity to empower others on their healing path.
After the ups and downs of the next three years, I was finally in a position to submit my detailed case study and take the exam, which took place on July 18, 2025.
It was a proctored exam, but much to my surprise, they allowed for a remote proctor, which allowed me to test from home. Given my brain is still unable to drive safely, this was the best option. I ensured that my computer met all the technical requirements, and I was ready!
Long story short, a 4.5-hour test turned into a nearly four-day ordeal. I was three hours into my exam, on question #175, and I was kicked out of the system. My heart sank as I frantically tried to log back in. After a couple of attempts, I was able to resume where I left off, only to be kicked out of the exam again at question #188.
After four or five different proctoring agents who couldn’t hear me or who had their video freeze up, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You see, I was already somewhat depleted going into the exam, and it felt like it took every last bit of effort to take this test.
I was stuck with 13 questions left and no direct help from anyone. I wasn’t sure if I had to retake the test or if I would be given the chance to finish my last 13 questions. Given my perfectionistic tendencies, it felt almost unbearable to leave this incomplete. I also thought I had a right to finish it, given that I had done the complete preparation and paid a large sum to even sit for it in the first place.
The Breakdown
Needless to say, that night I fell apart. I was so weak physically, emotionally, and mentally, and I couldn’t hold it together.
My son saw the breakdown. My husband witnessed it. My mom listened to it. My best friend heard the tears.
The analogy that I imagine is a large sack filled with a lot of heavy “stuff” that finally weakens and everything comes falling out.
Maybe you can relate to this feeling.
When we don’t have the capacity or energy to continue holding all the “stuff” inside, it all comes pouring out.
I felt embarrassed at times. I questioned whether it was a good thing for my child to see me falling apart like that. I was exhausted and completely shut down and didn’t have the reserve to push through or be anything different than this raw expression of despair, rage, and depletion.
I couldn’t fall asleep despite being exhausted, but I eventually did. The next morning, I definitely felt the residual effects of the stress from the previous day, but as I allowed it to move through me without resisting, I eventually felt a level of balance and resolve in my system.
I still felt the experience unjust and beyond frustrating, but the charge in my body had subsided.
This, too, Shall Pass
This experience spoke to me about the importance of allowing ourselves to feel what we feel. When we give ourselves permission, or maybe when there’s no choice but to let it all out, we release the heaviness we’ve been carrying and something lightens.
I have had large emotional expressions before, but there is often something preventing me from fully being witnessed within this space. Because I didn’t have any energy to hold back, for better or for worse, my bare, authentic, vulnerable being was exposed.
Now, I was fortunate to have very loving people who witnessed this and gave me the space to navigate through this turmoil. I didn’t feel judged externally, and my internal judge didn’t have the power to change my experience this go around.
There was something very therapeutic about surrending into this space, and now that I have some time to reflect upon it, I am able to see some things more clearly.
The Lessons
I spoke with my therapist about this just a few days back, and we delved into what was so triggering about this event. On the surface, of course, there was anger about how poorly run this system was. I was frustrated and exhausted by the whole thing.
But as we continued to be curious about the deeper despair, I realized that I don’t feel comfortable without a struggle. One perspective here may have been that I had done enough of the exam to have passed, and the Universe was telling me I’m complete. Of course, I didn’t know I had answered enough correctly at the time, but now I do. (Yes, I passed!)
I have believed since childhood that the more we struggle, the greater the reward. I learned this as a kid, and although it’s not entirely true, I adopted it as a truth. It did give me some reassurance when times were tough as an athlete and young adult, but it also made me feel that if I’m not suffering or struggling in some way, then I don’t deserve to be rewarded.
So funny how our minds blow things out of proportion!
The Power of Awareness
Fortunately, through mindful self-awareness, we can become aware of how our minds tend to blow things out of proportion and use it as a starting point to become very curious about all the conditioning that has taken place in our minds over our lifetimes.
Even if we don’t have a more effective mental pattern to replace it right now, we can at least begin to question, “Is this really true? Is this helping me?”
I began to realize that my long-held belief, “the greater the struggle, the greater the reward,” had served its time, and it was time to adopt a new mental pattern that brings more happiness and joy, and less burnout and exhaustion.
However, to adopt a new helpful belief, we need to have some experience that supports it. For me, I do have a few such experiences. My freshman year of college was very successful, as I won the NCAA All-Around and Balance Beam titles. Although I likely overtrained at times, two days before NCAAs, I gave myself some rest, ate when I was hungry, and trusted my process. This was one such experience where letting my guard down and not pushing through led to a pleasant outcome.
Additionally, at that same competition, I had made it to finals on all four events, and I was really tired in warm-ups. Once again, I trusted myself and didn’t push through anything. I did minimal warm-ups, knowing that I had trained sufficiently to perform as needed in the competition. I ended up with a silver on floor and vault and gold on beam. It wasn’t natural for me to trust like this, but for whatever reason, I was able to. The outcome was a good one.
I don’t have a lot of experience to draw from when it comes to letting go and trusting, but these two have stayed with me as a reminder of what’s possible when I trust myself and the process. This is enough information for me to begin to question the belief of “the greater the struggle, the greater the reward.”
Adopting new beliefs
As we move through life and become aware of patterns that don’t serve us, it’s essential to refrain from judging ourselves and stay open to and curious about new, more helpful patterns. The moments of breakdown may be the opportunity we’ve been needing to let the older, outdated mental conditioning fall away, making space for new, more effective ways of living and seeing ourselves and the world.
If we judge ourselves against an unrealistic standard, trying to hold it all together and remain perfectly composed during these trying times, we might miss an important chance to put down that which isn’t ours to carry anymore. Judgment can also cloud our capacity to open up to something new.
So, I offer you an invitation.
The next time you feel like you’re breaking down, falling apart, can’t keep it together…allow yourself space to do all of that. If you have someone safe to do this with, then let this person into your sacred space. If you don’t, then just give yourself the time and space to break down in all of the ways you need within safe and solitary ground.
If journaling is helpful, write. If speaking it out is helpful, record it into a voice note. If screaming is helpful, let it out. As long as you are in a safe space, simply allow your process to move through you.
As we let go of the past and the burdens that no longer serve us, we create an immense amount of space for new insights, wisdom, and energy to break through. This breakthrough enables our truth to emerge, and within that truth lies our freedom to live a more fulfilling and harmonious life.
Reflection
Take a moment to answer these questions freely, honestly, and openly:
Think about a time when you felt like you were breaking down, and become curious…was there any moment of breaking through? If so, what was it like? Did the breakthrough happen quickly or over time?
As you read this, in what ways can you relate, and in what ways do you disagree?
Who are the safe people in your life who will allow you to “break down” without judgment or criticism? If there isn’t a person, is there a space in nature, a pet, or a spiritual being that could offer this safety?
Are you looking for a community of support to encourage you to be more of your most authentic expression, breakdowns and all?
If you’re looking for a supportive network that gives you permission to be your authentic self, please reach out to me here and/or join my community on Insight Timer. You can also book a free Discovery Call. Let’s stay connected!
Theresa Kulikowski-Gillespie, PA-C
Theresa is a functional medicine physician assistant, mindfulness meditation teacher, author, and owner / founder of My Mindful Medicine. Theresa is also an army veteran, military spouse, mother, and former elite & collegiate gymnast.
